raggedy_doll | TFLN (mostly)

SFW

karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup

I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.

And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.

I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.

You handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could!

this hospital has no fireball

Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding

I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused

I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!

I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine

danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise! there's a tomorrow

That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament

As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.

His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.

On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7

I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.

All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then we had you order a pizza

Hello my rib-scented angel!

if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right

I can dislocate my shoulders on command

Will you skip merrily into hell with me?

I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.

the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party

Don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.

I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes

You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.

If there's one thing I think I could really excel at, it's curating a midlife crisis

On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for long! that could have been worse!

Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.

So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?

I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers

Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart

Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!

Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs

Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival

Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."

wait you like me?? for my personality??

Hello my darling friends guess who just got
✧・ﾟ:*✧INJURED *:・ﾟ✧*:・ﾟ

drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york

I want to kish your cheek
But your cheeks are in Michigan
...but my lips are kind of stretchy

QUESTIONABLE

And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk before you get drunk

I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.

A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I think I like Europe, fellows.

Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleeping.

I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.

He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.

Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.

We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.

Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.

NSFW

Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina disturbs me. I'm not happy with you

I molested 6 butterflies tonight

Will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try over the next 3 days turn you on or terrify you?

I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.

Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.

Can I color on your dick again?

'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"

Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.

Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.

the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.

with great strapon comes great responsibility.

We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possibilities are relatively finite

I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs in the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty

Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.

I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.

Clear your schedule for the night, I'm bringing chinese food and condoms!

Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits

Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too

He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.

I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me

In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.

omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick

I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited

Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.

So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.

There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.

He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead

Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.

i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs

And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse

I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.

Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks

I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.

It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.

Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks